Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

January 12th, 2011

Drinking more just missed the cut!

Every eyar, people make New Year’s resolutions.  And every year, I blog about how they don’t work. Well, enough of that! this year, I thought I’d blog on my (non-) resolutions.

Others may not like them, but I think they’ll be easier to keep than the usual ones.
1. Get disorganized I’ve already begun.  I wrote this post December 31st.  But I’m just posting it now.  See how disorganized I’ve become?

2. Blog very rarely and make the posts low quality

The disorganization will make me a less prolific blogger!  And to boot, I’ll probably just write a sentence or two.  Or I could be like one of my “fans” who paid me “tribute” my stealing my content and claiming it was his.

3. Gain 20 pounds in 6 weeks

It’ll take hard work and discipline, but I will gain the weight. I dropped my gym membership and am now determined to live the sedentary lifestyle.  But to reach my goal, I’ll need to change my eating habits, so….

4. Eat more fast food

Cooking at home every nght blows!  And since I am working hard to gain weight for the New Year, I’m switching to fast food.

5. Watch the new Oprah network for inspiration

Nothing inspires a man more than Oprah!  She’s a testament to those of us hoping to gain wight.  If Oprah can gain weight, then I CAN do it too!

6. Start smoking

Since I quit smoking years ago, I’ve been like a pariah to the whole family.  They sit in their smoking rooms taking smoking breaks.  I feel left out. It’s time to start again.  But smoking is so dang expensive.  No matter because my next resolution is…

7. Get into debt

All my friends get calls from bill collectors.  I feel totally left out.  Everyone has a better car, bigger TV, bigger house….isn’t it time that I too start living the good life?

8. Stop enjoying life

The guys on the fourth floor are always riding me for my constant enjoyment of life and work/life balance  Well, enough of that!  Time to start burning the midnight oil.  My 9-hour days are too short anyway.  It’s time to start cranking it up.  And to do that, we get to my next resolution:

9. Spend less time with family

I won’t let that whole family thing get in the way of my work.  It’s called priorities.

10. Stop helping others

Isn’t it about time I get with the program and start claiming to help others by pumping them full of sunshine but in truth make their lives worse and their wallets lighter?

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