Self-help Gurus Ask the Universe to Clean up the BP Oil Spill

June 11th, 2010

In a surprise move, BP CEO Tony Hayward has decided to take a radical approach to clean up the oil spill on the gulf. He is asking the famed self-help gurus featured in “The Secret” to ask the universe to clean it up.

James Ray, featured in the Secret, is happy to help.

“I told Tony that I’d be happy to use the Law of Attraction to attract the oil back into the hole in the ground. With the combined power of our harmonic  intentions, I am sure that the oil spill will be over in the next couple of days. Besides, I could really use the money because of that whole people-died-in-my-sweat-lodge-and-i-am-probably-going-to-prison thing.”

But some BP critics are saying that the $3.3 million dollars BP is paying the self-help gurus could be used to actually do something to clean up the spill.

“I don’t see how wishful thinking is going to clean up this mess,” says some scientist-looking guy we asked.

But the self-help gurus are quick to dismiss the criticism.

“Mess? What mess?  There’s no mess. There is no oil spill.  Never happened. I have no idea what you’re talking about,” responded another Secreter who is in the middle of acting as if the spill is already cleaned up.

BP CEO Tony Hayward is even more confident.

“Actually, once the universe cleans up the spill, we’re going to ask the universe to raise our stock price. And give me a bonus while it’s is at it!”

When DSP reporters pointed out that oil is still leaking in the gulf, the Secreter standing next to Hayward responded, “That’s because they’re not doing it right.”

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