Friend of the blog, Eric Schiller over at Beyond Growth recently posted about 17 Steps to Instant Success as a Lifestyle Designer. It made me laugh. It made me cry. But in the end, I was just pissed. I mean, what the hell does Schiller know about lifestyle design?
Maybe I took it too personally since Eric probably didn’t know that I am a failed lifestyle designer.
You see, I read a couple of lifestyle design books and I thought, “hey, I can design my life like an Abercrombie commercial!”
So, I sold my stuff, went out and bought some cool Abercrombie fashion. Then, I made plans to travel to the beach. I wanted to go to the French Riviera but I am a member the “new rich” whereas the Riviera is for the “rich rich”. So, instead I moved to some poor-ass country (where they didn’t even speak English!) and went to the beach.
It totally sucked.
The Beach Blows!
I hate the beach. Yeah, everyone has this fantasy about living a care-free life on the beach.
But those people never lived on the frickin’ beach. Let’s talk about what can happen to you on the beach:
Coconuts falling on your head.
Sand. Does anyone really like sand? Sand sucks too. It gets all over you and it’s all itchy.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! You wonder why people take trips to the beach and don’t live there? I’ll tell you why. The beach sucks balls!
I couldn’t handle all the poor people
So, I didn’t like the beach. But living my designer lifestyle required some sacrifice, So, I toughed it out on the beach, But then I had to deal with all those poor people. The poor really bother me. Look. Here I am trying to live the life of the new rich on the beach and then some poor person comes hitting me up for money. What gives? I didn’t become part of the new rich just to give my money away to some poor person.
It’s liked I learned in Think and Grow Rich–people are poor because of their negative thoughts. If they weren’t so damn whiny begging for food and crap, then they might be able to think of a way to become millionaires. I said as much to that starving family I met on the side of the road. Of course, I slowed down my car to lecture them on why they’re poor. I didn’t want them touching me. But I don’t think they understood me anyway because they didn’t speak English.
And this is just the beginning of my failed designer lifestyle!
My manifesto bombed
As a hip lifestyle designer, I had to write a manifesto. So, I went out and bought a Macbook Pro and got on that Twitter thingy. Then I read all those other designer manifestos. But they were so long-winded and boring that I went right to sleep.
So, when I wrote my lifestyle design manifesto, I gave it the original-sounding title of, “The Life You Design is Not the Life You Are Given But the life You CHOOSE.” It went like this:
Your life should be revolutionary and not conform to the norms and values of the masses who are poor because of their negative mindsets. Your awesome life begins with non-conformity and does not conform to the other non-conformity lifestyles that are less revolutionary than your awesome lifestyle that does not conform to the rules and values of normal people or the non-conformity ideas of the non-conformity lifestyles of others.
As I was moved to write this powerful manifesto after reading Atlas Shrugged, you too will find that once your revolutionarily awesome lifestyle is put into place, you can then non-conform to the negative mindsets of the conforming masses and then and only then live a life of true freedom.
The only person who downloaded it from my lifestyle design blog was my mother. And she admitted that she’d downloaded it by mistake and never really read it.
Most people just didn’t “get it”
You know, it’s a pain in the ass to explain my revolutionary vision to a bunch of people who are happy sitting on their asses all day working for the man. I am a revolutionary visionary and these conformists kept asking me a bunch of stupid questions like, “Can I really live on a beach?” And I’m like, “No shit, dude. What the hell do you think I’m doing right now? I didn’t get this sunburn sitting under fluorescent lights all day in a frickin’ cubicle”
These people were obviously so lazy that they couldn’t be bothered to read all my blog posts and watch the 103 videos that I uploaded to my blog aptly titled iamlivingonabeachandyouarenot.com.
I told them just to stop asking me so many stupid questions and read my book, “How to Escape Your Crappy Conformist Life and Be Like Me.” But my book was about as popular as my manifesto.
My vitamin supplement business got FTC’d
My designer lifestyle demanded that I have an automated business. So, naturally, I went into the vitamin supplement business because it’s not regulated or anything (or so I thought). All my ad said was that my supplement cured every disease known to man and then Big Government (at the behest of Big Pharma) shut down my automated operation, forcing me to return to the U.S just to go to some “court thing.”
How it all ended
And that’s how it all ended. No money. Sunburn. A rash from all that sand. The smell of poor people.
I’m just not cut out to be a lifestyle designer.