“Interview” With Glenn Beck on Conspiracy Theories

June 14th, 2010

Don’t Step in the Poop has reached a milestone today.  We are at post 100, and it is a good one.  The DSP staff was able to get our biggest “interview” yet—with popular Fox News and radio host  Glenn Beck.  It seems Glenn saw some of our posts here on conspiracy theories and Hitler, and he thought he’d be the perfect guy to talk to about it.

So, without further ado…Mr. Glenn Beck,

DSP: Glenn, as you know, this is not a political blog.  We agreed that this interview would cover conspiracy theories and not politics, right?

Beck: Hmmm…isn’t that interesting?

DSP: What’s interesting?

Beck: Do you know who else refused to discuss politics with me?

DSP: …………

Beck: Hitler!

DSP: Well, Glenn…to be fair to Hitler, he never had the chance to talk politics with you.  He died before you were born.

Beck: Oh..so now you’re being fair to Hitler.  You know who else is fair to Hitler?  HITLER!  What about me?  People like you are always being fair to the Stalins and Hitlers of the world, but attack me at the drop of a hat just like the Nazis did to the Jews.

DSP: Glenn, why don’t we just move on to conspiracy theories?

Glenn: You know, there is a conspiracy out there…against people who love their country.  And there is no one who loves his country more than me.  I mean, I love my country.  And then the Nazis come knocking on the door determined to TAKE ME DOWN and put me into a gulag.

DSP: I think the Soviets did the gulag thing.  The Nazis had concentration camps.

Glenn: Ah, but that’s what you learned in your liberal/progressive/Marxist/Communist/Red/Pink/Socialist/Nazi textbook.  See? There really was no difference.

DSP: Huh?

Beck: See how I strung all those things up together?  It’s all the same!

Beck is now feverishly drawing swastikas and hammers and sickles on a napkin. As he holds them up he looks confident.

DSP: The same?

Beck then draws hammers and sickles all over the page and then puts them in a connect-the-dots kind of pattern that turns into a swastika.

Beck: The exact same.

DSP: O-K.  Let’s just talk get back to the topic at hand—conspiracy theories.

Beck: You mean the conspiracy to TAKE ME DOWN?

DSP: No, I mean in general.

Beck: Generals are trying to TAKE ME DOWN too? You see, this Administration will stop at nothing to TAKE ME DOWN—even deploying the US military against me.  It’s the same thing that the Communists and Nazis did against its own citizens.  This is UNHEARD OF!  This is not a democracy but an O-L-I-G-A-R-H-Y.*

You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler’s plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore’s enemy, the U.N.’s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists — eugenics. You get the scientists — global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, ‘That’s not right.’ And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did.**

As this country is heading toward socialism engineered by a cabal of Communists, people like ME are the FIRST ONES TARGETED.

DSP: Could you define a “person like you”?

Beck: A minority, for one.  As someone discriminated against by the racists in government who are trying to TAKE ME DOWN!  Isn’t that something Hitler or the Nazis would do?

DSP: All right.  I think we should wrap this up, Glenn.  Could you just tell me simply what you think of conspiracy theories?

Beck: They’re stupid. I am the guy who debunked conspiracy theory.*** Then again,

I say on the air all time, ‘if you take what I say as gospel, you’re an idiot.****

* Glenn Beck, misspelled ‘oligarchy’ on his chalk board while claiming he had deciphered a secret code that he said was proof President Obama was trying to create an ‘Oligarhy,”’ Glenn Beck show on FOX News Channel, Aug. 27, 2009

** Glenn Beck quote linking Al Gore’s campaign against global warming to Hitler’s campaign against the Jews, ‘The Glenn Beck Program,’ April 30, 2007

*** Beck quote from the Wall Street Journal

**** Glenn Beck, New York Times, March 29, 2009

Special thanks to the Glenn Beck Insane-O-Matic Quote Generator

In case your sense of humor is non-existent, this is a parody interview. I think Glenn will approve.

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