How to Use Questions to Hide the Fact That You’re a Douche Bag

June 21st, 2010

There’s one thing that really irks me: it’s people who use the whole “I’m-not-saying-anything-I’m-just-asking-questions” routine.

I find there are two kinds of people who do it:

Conspiracy theorists.

For example Jesse “the idiot” Ventura uses the whole question line to tout 9/11 conspiracy theories.

Jesse: What’s wrong with asking questions?  Isn’t it possible that controlled demolition knocked down  7 World Trade Center?

Dude…just give me your point so I can shoot it down.  You’re not asking questions, you’re asserting something, you just don’t have the guts to say so directly.

People who are scared

Some people like to use questions as a cover, so they can crawl back in their corner and say, “hey I wasn’t saying anything, I was just asking a question.

Glenn Beck uses this technique all the time.  And I’m thinking Glenn, you don’t like Obama.  It’s cool.  But don’t ask “questions” like “With parents like this, how could he be anything else but a communist?”

That’s not a question.  It’s an assertion phrased like a question.  You can see I never asked Glenn these types of questions during my “interview” with him.

So, now what?

You’re wondering how can I pretend to be an honest seeker of truth while deep down inside I’m a douche bag who is too lazy to argue my point?

Well, here’s how you do it.  You too can disguise the fact you’re a douche bag by phrasing your douche bag comments in the form of a question. Let’s count the ways:

Ask loaded questions

A loaded question is a question with a false, disputed, or question-begging presupposition. In plain, English it means that the question asserts a fact that isn’t proven.

Let’s have some fun:

Ask a man: Have you stopped watching internet porn?

If he says No, then it means he still watches internet porn.

If he says “yes”, then it means he used to watch internet porn.

It’s win/win for you because you get to assert that the guy watches internet porn NO MATTER HOW he answers.  Isn’t it fun?

Ask implied questions

These are AWESOIME things to have in your douche bag artillery.  You just ask questions that imply that you know something that you really have no clue about.

For example:

Doesn’t Jim have a brother in jail?

Jim probably doesn’t have a brother in jail, but it sure looks like you know it.  And it sure looks like Jim is a scumbag for having a jailbird brother.

Some others you could use:

Doesn’t your sister stand out on 5th street every night?
Isn’t your mom on crack?

No, she’s not? How interesting…just give that knowing look…they’ll go home and ask their mom if she’s on crack..because hey you might just know something.

Ask Double-barreled questions

Here is where you combine two unrelated things but only allow for one possible answer. These are great for douche bags. I found a good example on Wikipedia on how a douche bag lawyer might use it:

A: “So instead of murdering your neighbor, did you go home and bake a pie which you donated to the Girl Scouts bake sale?”

W: “No”

A: “So you admit you murdered your neighbor!”

There you go.

Next time one of those idiots pulls the whole “I’m just asking questions” things, look out!  They aren’t asking anything.  They’re just too cowardly to say what they think.

Don’t fall for it.  Just sit back and say, “Is that a question?”

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