Glenn Beck Leaves Fox News to Become Self-Help Guru

April 9th, 2011

In an exclusive, longtime friend of the blog, Glenn Beck has revealved to Don’t Step in the Poop that he will leave his Fox show in order to become a self-help guru.

He will be promote his new self-help course called, “How to Keep Your Ginormous Stash of Cash by Stopping ‘Them’ from Taking You Down.”

In his new book and $50,000 weekend retreats, Beck will empower the masses of people who can afford his retreats by teaching them how to overcome the external forces that are conspiring to take them down.

“It’s all about, what I call, the Law of Trutherism,” Beck says.  “The people I want to help are part of a persecuted minority–the rich!  And these people are the only ones with the financial resources to tell the truth.  When you go out there and tell the Truth, you will attract people who will stop at nothing to TAKE YOU DOWN.”

Some business executives who were given a sneak preview of Beck’s $100,000 Platinum retreat came away impressed.

“You know, I always thought that the good or bad things that happened to me were due to my mindset, but Beck showed me that while the good things that happen to me are the result of my positive mindset,  the bad things that happen to me are the result of a Global Cabal dedicated to bringing me down because I’m rich!”

Though new to the self-help game, Beck is already changing the industry.

“The problem with most self-help is this odd fascination with LOVE and consciousness and mystic forces.  What good is LOVE when the Global Cabal determined to destroy the rich has you living in a gutter?  What I bring to the table is the realization that it is not internal cosmic forces that determine your success; rather it is in the triumph of your internal pocketbook over external malevolent forces determined to TAKE YOU DOWN! No one has the guts to admit that evil forces are out there that are actively trying to destroy rich people.  Looks like I stand alone–again!”

When asked to respond to the future critics, Beck replied (with a trademark he is currently liscensing from DSP) by extending his middle finger in the air and saying, “Law of Attract This!”

 

 

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