Lately, my legions of fans keep asking me why I’m not posting.  So, I thought I’d address that quickly  I’m working on my new book Law of Attract This! (Insert awesome subtitle here that’ll promptly make you want to buy this book right now–it’s magnetic).

Who knows when I’ll ever finish, but even an unfinished copy is bound to rival Dianetics in sheer confusion yet awesomeness.

But I took a break today to get some inspiration, and as loyal DSP readers know, the best place to look for inspiration is from people who make a living inspiring others.   A quick search on the net and I came across some quote from one of our favorite guys–Anthony “Tony” Robbins.

To dude’s a quote factory.  He’s so good at it that he quotes himself in his own books.  How’s that for awesome?  So, the DSP staff gathered some of our favorite Anthony Robbins quotes and pondered their significance in the universe.

“If you can’t you must, and if you must you can.”

And if you musn’t, then you cannot?

“Success in life is the result of good judgment. Good judgment is usually the result of experience. Experience is usually the result of bad judgment.”

So, I learn from my mistakes?  Is that it?

“You can’t have a plan for your day, ‘til you have a plan for your life.”

So, does this mean I can’t do my shopping until I figure out what I want out of life.  If so, I think I’ll starve.

“Focus equals feeling.”

But my feeling is a little out of focus

“For changes to be of any true value, they’ve got to be lasting and consistent.”

But what if they’re bad changes?

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

But what if I like what I’m getting?

“In life you need either inspiration or desperation.”

Or it leads to constipation!

“It not knowing what to do, it’s doing what you know.”

How do you do what you know without first knowing what to do?

“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”

“If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” –Geddy Lee

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.”

Damn straight, Tony…death won’t let us do any of those things.

“People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals – that is, goals that do not inspire them.”

My goal is to get a whole lot of money for doing nothing.  It inspires me.

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”

But what if it’s a BAD decision?

“The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck.”

So, how do I prepare to be born into a fabulously wealthy family?

“There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.”

And one of those results is failure!

“Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.”

Hey, what’s going on here. I thought there was no failure?

“I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.”

Why does he keep talking about failure?  It was only results.

“You always succeed in producing a result.”

I get it now.  Even if I fail, I succeeded because I produced a result, which is failure.  And even though it’s failure, it’s still a result.  And if producing results makes me successful, then even producing the result of failure makes me successful.  It’s all clear to me now!

Every eyar, people make New Year’s resolutions.  And every year, I blog about how they don’t work. Well, enough of that! this year, I thought I’d blog on my (non-) resolutions.

Others may not like them, but I think they’ll be easier to keep than the usual ones.

1. Get disorganized

I’ve already begun.  I wrote this post December 31st.  But I’m just posting it now.  See how disorganized I’ve become?

2. Blog very rarely and make the posts low quality

The disorganization will make me a less prolific blogger!  And to boot, I’ll probably just write a sentence or two.  Or I could be like one of my “fans” who paid me “tribute” my stealing my content and claiming it was his.

3. Gain 20 pounds in 6 weeks

It’ll take hard work and discipline, but I will gain the weight. I dropped my gym membership and am now determined to live the sedentary lifestyle.  But to reach my goal, I’ll need to change my eating habits, so….

4. Eat more fast food

Cookig at home every nght blows!  And since I am working hard to gain weight for the New Year, I’m switching to fast food.

5. Watch the new Oprah network for inspiration

Nothing inspires a man more than Oprah!  She’s a testament to those of us hoping to gain wight.  If Oprah can gain weight, then I CAN do it too!

6. Start smoking

Since I quit smoking years ago, I’ve been like a pariah to the whole family.  They sit in their smoking rooms taking smoking breaks.  I feel left out. It’s time to start again.  But smoking is so dang expensive.  No matter because my next resolution is…

7. Get into debt

All my friends get calls from bill collectors.  I feel totally left out.  Everyone has a better car, bigger TV, bigger house….isn’t it time that I too start living the good life?

8. Stop enjoying life

The guys on the fourth floor are always riding me for my constant enjoyment of life and work/life balance  Well, enough of that!  Time to start burning the midnight oil.  My 9-hour days are too short anyway.  It’s time to start cranking it up.  And to do that, we get to my next resolution:

9. Spend less time with family

I won’t let that whole family thing get in the way of my work.  It’s called priorities.

10. Stop helping others

Isn’t it about time I get with the program and start claiming to help others by pumping them full of sunshine but in truth make their lives worse and their wallets lighter?

For a while, DSP has considered having guest authors on this blog.  As an experiment, we are welcoming Friend (yet adversary) of the Blog, Sham Scammerschmidt, to answer your questions regarding life issues and anything related to the Law of Attraction.  Sham is a Life Attraction coach who is considered by some (himself) to be the foremost expert on the Eternal Law of Attraction, which is like the normal Law of Attraction only way more powerful.

So begins our first column “Ask Sham”.  We have taken some questions to the editor and given them to Sham for his review.

Sham,

The Law of Attraction is not working for me.  Is there something wrong with me?

Feeling unattracted

Dear Feeling Unattracted,

There is no easy way to tell you this, but…YES. There is something wrong with you.  You obviously are not trying hard enough to attract the positive and let go of the negative.  Who’s fault is that?  It’s not the LOA’s fault.  It’s yours.  The Law of Attraction only works for people who can understand its complexity.
You see, as a Law of Attraction Spiritual Guide, I not only know the secret behind the secret, but I know the secret behind the secret behind the secret.  And that secret is simple: the Universe sometimes chooses sides and The Big U doesn’t like some people–like YOU.

But even though the Universe has labeled you persona non grata, you might be able to do something about it. For a limited time only, I’m offering a private one-hour phone consulting session for the outrageously low price of $1,499.  I usually charge $10,000 an hour.  But the great unbounded LOVE within me is flooding into the physical plane, thus demanding that I help the less fortunate.  In just five minutes I can change the way the Universe feels about you.  I can use your time to help you break through your doubts, fears, and negative energy.  So, please take advantage of this offer or you’ll be doomed to a life of working at McDonald’s.

Sham,

My mother is always telling me to get a job but I want to start my own MLM business.  How can I tell my mother about my dream and get her to stop giving me a hard time and accept me for who I am.

Bummed out in Mom’s basement

Dear Bummed,

As you go through life, your energies change and are colored by the prisms in the ethereal plane.  As you probably read in my 11-page book, “The Colors of Existence” (available on my web site for a mere $49.99), I say that, “The colors that surround you at any given time determine the dynamics of personal relationships”

Using the powers bestowed upon me by various Universal energies, I can sense that you are surrounded by blue and red tones.  This is usually fine, red stokes the passions that can lead to a successful business.  But your mother’s colors are an off shade of white.

It is crucial that you change this dynamic immediately.  The best way is to ask your mother for some money.  Tell her you will need it to secure employment.  Don’t worry, you won’t be lying because when you invest in my “Anything’s Possible” Bootcamp, then everything will be possible.  For an alarmingly modest price of $10,000, you will sit side by side with me for 4 hours while I realign your colors.

One your colors are realigned, ANYTHING will be possible.  Your mother will finally be proud of you and you’ll be proud of yourself.  But please don’t hesitate.  Hesitation is a bad color and leads to the cruelest of fates.

If you have a question for Sham, leave them in the comment section or use the form on the About page.

Recently, I’ve gotten a ton of supportive mail, which is odd for me since I am used to getting mostly hate mail or negative comments.  Though I’m used to negative comments on my blog, getting some support is always nice.

But it’s not always the case.

One guy recently left some spic comments. And though he claimed not to be a hate mailer but simply wanted to “challenge” me, the fact that the commenter thinks I have a mental problem leaves no doubt to where his leanings are.

But the mind is an interesting thing because I am now thinking that I might have been wrong to label him.  I think I’ve been wrong about most of my hate mail.  I’m come to the conclusion that my hate mailers are really secret admirers.

Going back through the hate mail, it all becomes clear now.  Let’s look at some:

You are expelling your opinions, you make them sound so convincing to the untrained person or persons with weak character/mind, and they end up believing your babble instead of the scammers.

Yep. that’s the whole point of this blog, no? And I’m glad that someone is finally coming out and saying what I’ve always wanted them to say: I’m such a thoroughly convincing writer that people in a vulnerable state will more likely listen to me than a scammer.  VICTORY!!!

The things is I don’t want people to listen to scammers.  And the worst thing that can happen to someone from reading this blog is that they spit up their food from my hilarity or they think twice before shelling out thousands of dollars learning how to align their vibrations only to be told that they’re doing it wrong when it doesn’t work.

By calling my writing convincing, yet babble, I sense a kernel of adoration.  I figure if my “babble” is this powerful (by the hate mailer’s own admission), there’s no telling what I could do if I decide to get serious!

Here’s more:

You are hammering all the scammers (and thats fine) but at the same time you are painting a very negative and extremely GENERALISED picture of life, but because of your self proclaimed status as a real life Guru (your words), then people may take you seriously (and its usually the weak minded or persons that are extremely down on their luck).

I get this kind of comment all the time.  It basically boils down to the fact that I’m too negative and don’t offer solutions.  The epic comment above (edited for length) also included the often used line of PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

It’s funny though that these secret admirers of mine do tend to harp on the fact that I don’t offer “solutions”.  I didn’t know what they meant at first. But now I know what it means.

They want me to sell something, so they can eagerly buy it!

I knew it!

I now understand why they’re so angry.  They are so convinced by my rapier wit that they are dying to buy something from me.  And here I am not selling a thing–just offering plain old common-sense advice.  What good is that?  Now that I think about it, if I were them I’d be mad too!

So to all my secret admirers I make this promise:  I will work hard to come up with something to sell so that you can eagerly buy it.  It may take me awhile, but I don’t want to disappoint all of you.  Just be patient.

If I can’t come up with anything good, I can always sell some of my personal belongings on eBay, so you can have at least SOMETHING to buy.

Thanks for all your support.

Some anonymous commenters have worried about my mental health.  But I want to assure my readers that my mental health is fine.  I know this because I had a conversation with myself pretending to be a dream doctor who assured me I was fine.

You see, I’ve been following the 30 days of inspired living trial and I started the part where I basically live without thinking about the consequences (living subjectively).

And man oh man it’s been AWESOME!

I basically do whatever I want.

And the results have been OUTSTANDING!

Living subjectively has helped me to realize that all of you are nothing but figments of my imagination and I was wrong to put so much stock into the feelings of others.

Some people (my imginary mother) have criticized me and call me a narcissist.

Usually that would hurt my feelings but during these 30- days of inspiration, I’ve realized that those “people” don’t even exist.  They are just manifestations of my inner critic.  So, I stopped listening to those “dream characters”.  They totally bum me out.

Clearer Communication

One of the interesting effects has been that my communication has gotten MUCH clearer.

For example, I recently lost my imaginary job when I told my dream boss to kiss my dream a*@.

No consequences, baby.

Pure inspiration!

I don’t need that dream income anyway…because money doesn’t exist!

A Life Independent of Material Bullshit

Speaking of dream money, now the dream bank is calling me because I didn’t pay my dream mortgage  How stupid is that?  I simply told the voice on the other end of the phone (which I’m sure is a non-existent entity outside my own mind) that I appreciated the lesson that the dream character in my mind was trying to teach me.  And I let it go at that.  Well, it’s called hanging up on someone usually, but since the other entity didn’t actually exist, I don’t think it was rude of me.

That same dream bank repossessed my dream car.  But I chalk that up to my mind telling me it’s time to exercise.

Subjective Responsibility

Then there’s the dream agents from Child Protective Services that came to talk to me about neglecting my dream child because I didn’t send my dream child to his imaginary school.  As if school or children actually exist!  The NERVE of my mind!

But as the dream agents talked to me, I realized that they must be manifestations of my mind encouraging me to be more responsible.  So, I had nothing to fear from their threats of taking away my dream child.

I tell you what: I’m lovig this subjective living.  I’ve never been happier.  Because I do what I want to make me happy whenever I want, wherever I want–the dream police called it “indecent exposure” but I don’t even know what that means.

I would encourage all of you to try, but I am subjectively sad to report that you don’t exist.

You are all characters in my dream world…and frankly, you bother me.

There is a disease out there on the internet that is poisoning your mind.  And that disease is HATE!  Recently, there has been a rash of hate blogs dedicated to tearing down the good people who are out there to help others make money in their underwear or help others feel better about themselves after spending thousands of dollars at seminars.

You see, this disease of hate that is infecting the internet with its evil is only getting more and more destructive.  But you, dear reader, may think you are reading a nice blog.  You may think they are trying to help you even.

But don’t be fooled!

These hate-bloggers are sneaky.

They make it look like they’re helping you to “see the truth” or “educate you.”  Yeah, they make themselves look all harmless and “helpful”.  You’ll be reading it adn think, “hey this self-help guru ripped me off.”

But don’t let them fool you.  That’s not help.  That’s hate!  And I’m now going to expose 5 of the most common tactic these hate blogs use to trick you into reading them.

1. The blog criticizes self-help gurus (probably because they are jealous or because they are so miserable that they can’t stand it that other people are happy)

Look.  There are thousands of gurus out there to sell you great products to make your life better.  But these hate blogs give them a bunch of crap because their stuff doesn’t work and can actually make things worse for people.

What’s so bad about people making money helping others feel good, huh?

These hate blogs don’t care about making people feel better.  They just want to tear down people who are trying to make an honest living ripping people off!

2. The blog points out scammy techniques of self-help gurus

There’s nothing more hateful than exposing the methods that hard-working self-help gurus use to part you from your money.  It’s disgraceful!

It’s like they are divulging trade secrets!

Isn’t there a law against that or something?

I mean if I learn a secret about a new Apple product, don’t you think I’d go to jail if I gave away the secrets to Microsoft?

Same thing!

These hate blogs tell everyone the ways these hard-working gurus use to manipulate people into giving them their money! These gurus spent years developing the craft! And for some hate blog to come along and tell people for free…makes me sick (of course if they charge fmoney or this information, they are not hate bloggers…then, they are helpful bloggers who don’t really need the money but only want to help others achieve their full money-making potential)

3. The blog uses logic or some other elitist stuff to make people feel bad

Here’s the deal: a helpful blog makes you feel good.  It confirms all that you know is true about the world.  When you read it, you find yourself lifted off to a magical land of motivational speeches and feel-good $5,000 seminars.  There, you can feel good about yourself and sign up for a big seminar.

But hate blogs are a different breed.

You can always tell them right off the bat.  Instead of short, punchy blog posts they post these elitist dissertation monster posts that use a bunch of fancy words that no one really can understand.

And then, there’s that logic and reason stuff.

Here’s a rule of thumb:

If they start using words like “syllogism” “consistency” and know the correct meaning of the word paradigm…hate blog.

4. The blog talks badly about Utah and boiler rooms

Yeah..there are these hate blogs that are always gong on and on about boiler room operations in Utah.  Let me tell you something, buddy…it’s cold in Utah.  They need boilers on all the time.  And to criticize a hard-working guru for employing some guys in a boiler room…that’s low.

These haters obviously want people to freeze to death without a boiler!

It’s fine to not agree with a guru’s teachings.  But to wish ill on them for wanting to stay warm in winter by hiring people to work in his boiler room is a sign that a blog is not only full of hate but also that the blogger has some serious mental problems.

5. The blog criticizes this bog

This is the King Daddy of hate!

Any blog that criticizes DSP is, by default, a hate blog.

That’s not because I write for DSP…it’s because people who hate this blog obviously have no sense of humor….and you know what they call people with no sense of humor?

Haters!

Stung by criticism from anonymous commenters for not doing anything to help others,  the DSP editor decided to do his small part and  rid the world of evil.   So, yesterday DSP operatives were deployed in a secret operation to capture the leader of the  “stealth jihad” in an effort to prevent the replacement of “Western civilization with a radical imposition of Sharia.”

The Stealth Jihad’s leader Ken Hassan, labled Mullah Waheed Omar Tabliani bin Hussein by DSP, was found hiding in his Brooklyn apartment in front of his command center.  At the scene, DSP operatives confiscated his MacBook Pro, iPhone 4, iPad, and other high-end gadgets used to engage in activities related to the Stealth Jihad.

The capture was stunning considering that, as of two weeks ago, no one knew who the leader of the Stealth Jihad was.

“What tipped us off was how suspicious he was acting.  First, we observed him going into a mosque which has caused a lot of problems for the area pork restaurants.   And then he sent his kids off to a madrassa called P.S. 696, which is awful close to 666.  When we saw that, we knew we had our man.

Bin Hussein, of course, denies everything.

“I was just picking up my kids from school and these guys grabbed me and then came to my house and took my stuff,” says bin Hussein.

But DSP agents were quick to respond to the allegations.

“Yeah.  You really think the leader of the Stealth Jihad is going to actually admit it?  It’s not called a ‘Stealth’ Jihad for nothing!”

Photo of shady-looking guy courtesy of kevincure.