Don't Step in the Poop » Humor/Satire

6 Reasons Why the Law of Attraction May Not Be Working for You

Carlon — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:08:44 +0000

So, you’ve tried using the Law of Attraction and it’s not working. Well, don’t fear. The DSP Law of Attraction experts are here to give you 6 reasons why the Law of Attraction might not be working in your life.

1. You’re doing it wrong

So, you’ve watched “The Secret”. You’ve read all about the Law of Attraction and how scientific it is. You done all your visualizing and asking the universe for stuff you want. But you just can’t seem to “manifest” anything. Well, in that case, the answer is simple. You’re doing it wrong. A little internet search will show you how you didn’t learn about the “real Law of Attraction” or “the Secret Behind the Secret”. So you see? It’s not like the Law of Gravity where it works the same for everybody. No, the Law of Attraction only works if you know how to do it it right. You still have a lot to learn before you’ll ever do it “right”.

2. You’re not trying hard enough

So, they told you to believe and the Universe will give it to you. But the Universe isn’t manifesting it to you? Well, you must not be believing hard enough. You’ve got to REALLY believe for it to work. Even if you have .00000000000000000000001% doubt, the Universe isn’t going to give you jack.

With a lazy attitude like that, it’s no wonder the Universe didn’t manifest you that new jacket! I wouldn’t manifest one for you either with such a lack of effort on your part.

3. You’re just too negative

Yep. By being too negative you brought it all on yourself. Oh, you might think the Law of Attraction is not working, but it IS working. It’s getting all those negative thoughts and kicking your ass with them. It’s like Rhonda Byrne, Author of “The Secret” said when asked about people killed n the Holocaust or 9-11:

“The energy and life of each of us has always been and will always be. In a large-scale tragedy, like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, etc., we see that the law of attraction responds to people being at the wrong place at the wrong time because their dominant thoughts were on the same frequency of such events.”

In case you didn’t figure that out, it means negative thoughts caused people to be in the wrong place and killed them. Think about it. If being scared of people trying to kill you causes you to get killed, that’s the Law of Attraction in action. And it’s all because you’re a scared little negative twit. Think about it.

4. You’re not spending enough money on Law of Attraction books, training, or products.

If you really want the LOA to work for you, you need to show commitment. So go out there and spend more money on it. On Amazon, there are over 1,000 books with “Law of Attraction” in the title. And you think all these Law of Attraction coaches are out there helping people for free because they are manifesting winning lottery tickets all the time? Hell no. They need to earn a living. And if you’re too cheap to support the people teaching you about the Law of Attraction, then it’s quite obvious that you don’t deserve anything from the Universe.

5. The Universe doesn’t like you for some reason

We at DSP regret to inform you that it might be possible that the Universe just doesn’t like you for some reason. We’re sure the Universe has a good reason for it. I mean, we like you. We think you’re swell. But the Universe can be a real jerk sometimes.

We hope you don’t take it personally. The Universe kills hundreds of thousands of people just for kicks. But don’t forget, in the end it’s all your fault. As Rhonda Byrne says, if the universe kicks your ass it’s because your

“dominant thoughts and feelings were in alignment with the energy of fear, separation, powerlessness and having no control over outside circumstances, then that is what they attracted”.

6. There is no law of attraction

Well, we hate to have to mention this one, but let’s just put it out there. The Law of Attraction may not be working for you because THERE IS NO LAW OF ATTRACTION.

What? No Law of Attraction?

Well, think of it this way. Every year, Santa Claus doesn’t bring me a gift. Is it because:

a) I don’t believe enough in Santa

b) there is no Santa?

Hey, we do love Santa here at DSP. But we’re not going to pin our Christmas hopes on him. Because there is no Santa.

So are we saying that someone made this Law of Attraction all up? Yeah. Probably. People make stuff up all the time. And just because we’d like to believe it’s true (Hi again, Santa) doesn’t mean that it is.

Besides, if there were a Law of Attraction, that would mean that negative thinking is what causes all the bad things that happen in the world–floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc. And frankly, that’s ridiculous. We’re all for suspending disbelief sometimes, but seriously are you willing to tell kids in Darfur that negative thinking is causing their starvation just so you can cling to the hope that the Universe will manifest you a new jacket?Similar Posts:

Law of Attraction Parenting

Carlon — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:49:14 +0000

Get the Book: “The Secret” to Raising Kids: How to Use the Law of Attraction to Make Your Kids into such Heroic Figures That Your Neighbors Will Tremble as You Walk Down The Street Because You are Such a Kickass Parent

Raising kids is tough. I know. And even if you don’t have kids, you can go into any family restaurant and listen to the shrieks of children and just imagine how hard it must be for those parents.

I pulled out all my hair trying to raise my kid.

I was frustrated. My kid wouldn’t listen to me. I thought my kid’s future was ruined and it was all my fault!

I felt like a failure.

But that was before I discovered “The Secret”.

When I read the first page, raising my kids became a SNAP. I used the Power of my Positive Thoughts to transform my little monster into an angel.

And now I want to share that “Secret” with you. You’ve probably read a ton of Law of Attraction books. But this is the only one that can teach you how to use the Law of Attraction to raise your kids.

Throw Dr. Spock away.

Those “What to Expect” books?

Full of negative thoughts with all that talk of kids getting sick, vaccines, and all that nonsense.

Seriously. Throw those books away. They filled me full of negative thoughts about how my kids might get sick and not develop properly.

Who needs that kind of negativity?

Well, now you don’t need to. Read my book, “The Secret” to Raising Kids: How to Use the Law of Attraction to Make Your Kids into such Heroic Figures That Your Neighbors Will Tremble as You Walk Down The Street Because You are Such a Kickass Parent.”

Stop feeling guilty. I’ve got ALL the answers for you.

In this book, you will get the solution to all the problems parents face. Here’s a taste:

Potty training: with the power of positive thinking, your kid’s poo is going down the loo. Just ignore those stinky diapers and ask the universe to will your kid to the toilet. But you’ve got to REALLY believe it. If you start letting the stench get to you, you’ll get all negative. Just sit back. Watch a 48-hour NCIS marathon as the universe takes care of dirty diapers forever.

College: Ask the universe to send your kid to Harvard. Bad grades? No problem. The Universe will give your kids the edge they need. They don’t need to do homework. No need to even go to school. Harvard will manifest itself somehow.

Peer Pressure: Are the spawn of “negative thinkers” trying to fill your kid with negative thoughts? Just ask the Universe to “take care of” those kids. There can’t be any “peer pressure” if there are no peers to speak of, if you catch my drift.

Smoking, alcohol, drugs and other bad stuff: Just believe that the universe will make those things disappear by the time your kids gets old enough. If your kid is old enough, ask the universe to make them temporarily invisible whenever your kid gets around it. No need to talk about such negative things. If you talk about drugs, drugs will find a way to manifest itself to your kid.

Sex: Every parent dreads talking about this. But now, you don’t have to. Ask the universe to talk to your kids FOR you. The Universe can explain it better anyway. Heck, the universe invented this stuff—not you. It’s not called the “Law of Attraction” for nothing! Why should YOU be responsible for what the universe does? That is, unless you had some negative thoughts—in that case the universe has no responsibility to help you. But the fact is: Just ask and believe that the universe will impart this knowledge without you.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. You’ve just entered the Age of Positive Parenting. And I am your humble guru. All you have to do is be positive. Let the universe take care of all the bad stuff that’ll happen to your kids.

Get “The Secret” to Raising Kids: How to Use the Law of Attraction to Make Your Kids into such Heroic Figures That Your Neighbors Will Tremble as You Walk Down The Street Because You are Such a Kickass Parent.”TODAY.*

*the link is to donate so that I won’t actually write a book like this. Consider all the people you’d help by not allowing such crap into the bookstores. Think about it.Similar Posts:

5 Sequels to Bestselling Self-help Books

Carlon — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 04:20:38 +0000

Everyone knows the best way to make a lot of money with self-help is to write a self-help book. So, I’ve been considering writing a self-help book. But I can’t come up with any ideas. So, then it hit me. Why don’t I write the “sequel” to an existing bestseller. I can be like that guy who writes, “The Secret for Teens”, except I won’t ask anyone for permission.

I know most of these writers end up writing their own sequels, but I intend to beat them to the punch and RAKE In the cash for myself. Here are 5 ideas I have:

The 9^th Habit: Write a book, and then write the same book over and over again (Sequel to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the 8^th Habit)

This book takes you through the process of essentially writing one book over and over again and then teaches you how to get people to think it is different.

Secrets of the Billionaire Mind

So, you bought that book about the secrets of the millionaire mind? Well, you wasted your money. Billionaires think so differently from millionaires that if yuo try to be a millionaire, you’ll NEVER be a billionaire. in fact, millionaires are losers because they typically don’t buy cool stuff like yachts, castles, and islands. But billionaires do! This book teaches you how to think like a billionaire. The choice is clear: buy this book and buy a castle or buy other books and live in a hut.

Chicken Soup for the Person Who’s Sick of all The Chicken Soup Books

Inspirational stories of people who did well in their lives despite their deep hatred of all things Chicken Soup.

Think and Grow a Spine

A book for all those cowards who are too much of a wimp to buy Think and Grow Rich because the only reason they’re poor is because they didn’t read the book. And they didn’t read the book because they’re just too chickenshit to buy the book. This book will give them that courage.

The Secret for Infants

Surround your baby with positive thoughts AT ALL TIMES so your bundle of joy will stay that way. Buy the companion audio CD & DVD to play around the clock so as not to interrupt the positiveness for a single second. Failure to do so will turn your kid into a sniveling whiner who grows up to be a big loser because of his negative thoughts.Similar Posts:

The Douche

Carlon — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 01:16:29 +0000

What’s funny is that there really are people like this around. But a real douche would not have done the folowing:

1. Admitted their true background

D-bags always lie about where they’re from and go on about the “adversity” they suffered.

2. Admitted their true motivation

In the video, The Douche admits he wants to have sex with middle-aged women. A real douche never says that. For example, d-bags who sell get-rich-quick stuff say they do it out of the kindness of their hearts–not to make money. What bull!

The fact that Dylan McDermott is doing this is AWESOME. I am hoping he will play the role of Sham Scammerschmidt in the DSP movie, “The Age of The Secret: People Live Forever and Everyone Wins the Lottery”

The Douche from Dylan McDermott

Similar Posts:

Seminars You’ve Been to But Were Called Something Else

Carlon — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:09:00 +0000

Buy or Die!

The other day I was hanging out over at Doberman Dan’s blog. He wrote a hilarious piece on How to Make Millions in the Guru Business. You’ve gotta check it out.

Dan and I were talking about the fact that we were not invited into the Internet Marketing Ole Boys Club. It’s upsetting for me personally because I even offered everyone a blueprint for getting rich while making others go broke.

But then I thought about it. I’ve never been asked to one of their seminars. And seminars are where the money is at!

So, maybe I need to make my own. So I started thinking about seminars I’ve been to. So, I’ve come up with a new seminar series called: The seminars that everyone’s gone to but were called something else.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

The Random Things We Put Together to Sell Seminar
We had a bunch of things lying around the house that are taking up a bunch of room. So, what better way to sell them than throwing a seminar where YOU pay to show up and buy them!

The Buy My Course Seminar
A seminar dedicated to teaching you how to buy my $2,999.97 course. I’ll take you through the process of becoming interesting in my course all the way to dying to buy it. And as a bonus gift, I will give you a half-day session on the best way to buy my course (a $999 value). We’ll go step by step through the process of taking out your credit card, swiping it through my machine, and as an extra bonus I’ll show you exactly how to check the box that says I can charge you $79.99 a month for my supplemental online course material.

How to Pretend to be an Expert Seminar
At this seminar you’ll meet genuine fake experts. You’ll meet:

Mason Green: Expert copywriter.
Mason read a couple of books on copywriting and now charges $15,000 for sales letters. Every fake expert uses Mason to write their copy. He’s THAT good.

Fink Stern: Master Network Marketer
Fink is ready to show you how to become an expert network marketer. He just signed up for Amway last week and he’s ready to get himself a kicka$% downline.

Mr. X
He’s such fake expert that I have no idea what he’s an expert in. But he will read a book only minutes before the seminar and by the time the seminar is finished, he’ll be THE expert in something.

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve never heard of these fake experts. Well, of course you haven’t. They’ve been “underground”. And they’re only coming to the seminar because I promised I’d buy them a beer at the bar–on your dime!

The Sales Pitch Seminar

This seminar is for people who are serious about improving their sales skills. You’ll be treated to non-stop sales pitches by the best in the business. Sit back as our speakers will pitch you expensive products as you kiss your credit limit goodbye.

Some other seminar ideas I’ve pondered:

7 Ways Using a Number in Your Seminar Title Can Get More people to Come to Your Seminar
Come to This Seminar So I can Make Some Money Seminar
Who Else Wants to Pay Money to Hear me Talk Seminar
Hydroponic Wealth

That’s it for now. But rest assured no matter what seminar I put on, it will cost $5,000 and seating will be limited. So, why don’t you just pay for it in advance right now. Come on. I said seating is limited. You wanna be left out? I didn’t think so. Go ahead. Buy now!

Similar Posts:

Tony Robbins Breakthrough Fails to Break Through

Carlon — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:12:09 +0000

Dude, they cancelled my show!

It is with a heavy heart that DSP must report that Tony Robbins’ new show “Breakthrough” was cancelled. Readers of this blog know what big fans we are of Mr. Robbins.

We have praised his cosmetic dentistry on more than one occasion.

We at DSP were looking forward to actually reviewing the show, but we couldn’t muster up the energy to watch Tony Robbins for an hour.

So, an opportunity was wasted.

DSP can offer no explanation for this cancellation. Do you think people are looking for something real to help them in this rough economic time and are tired to listening to someone try to pump sunshine up their asses?

Or maybe people want something more substantive than meaningless motivational slogans?

Or were the breakthroughs staged like his infomercials?

We don’t know. We’re just asking questions.

But we wish the best for Tony.

At least, we’ll always have his infomercials.

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DSP Words Coming to a Dictionary Near You!

Carlon — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:06:04 +0000

New Readers to this blog are sometimes confused by some of the words I use on this blog. Bu fear not.

I am now going to give you some of the words I use here on a regular basis, and I also expect these words to be added to the dictionary next year due to my loyal readers using the words in their tweets and blogs.

Warning: These words are as trademarked as a Tony Robbins program (but more original)…so please spread the words and tell the dictionaries that you DEMAND they put them in there..just be sure to note where they came from.

Inspiroof (n): proof by inspirational story, usually seen as a testimonial for a feel-good product in which a person espouses how great something made them feel as opposed to any results. Inspiroof commonly consists of testimonials right after a seminar or event or rock concert.

Note: Inspiroof really bothers the crap out of me. Mostly because some lame-ass dude will tell you how much better he can make your life and then “proves” it to you by telling you an inspirational story.

The problem?

These stories don’t prove anything. They are used for evil.

And secondly, they are full of crap.

Tony Robbins tells the Rocky story to show you how you can achieve anything. But the Rocky story is not true.

In fact, most of those stories are just made up.

cheesed (adj): when content is formatted in such a way to make it appear that there are more pages than there actually are, a la “Who Moved my Cheese?”

Note: You ever read Who Moved My Cheese? If not, you’re lucky. If you have, I’m sorry. If you’re thinking about it, read my review.

Lots of “gurus” sell you “courses” that consist of HUGE fonts and wacky formatting that makes a 20 page book into a 400 page course.

Yeah, bulk makes it look more valuable. And I don’t mind formatting that’s easy for reading. But give me a break. If your information is so valuable, sell it at 10 pages. What did you say? No one will pay $2,000 for 10 pages? Guess it’s not so valuable after all.

EXTRA BONUS: Beware of formatting that lets you take “notes”. A lot of lame $2,000 courses are 10 page books formatted in big fonts, squeezed together on half a page and then leaving you space for notes. Wanna take notes? Buy a notebook. If what you’re buying IS a notebook, then good—just don’t pay $2,000 for it.

spook (v): to give a speech without giving any information to the audience.

The professional spooker is nothing but a salesman whose job is to get you to buy something. They do this by not telling you anything in the speech but just telling you how great it’ll be once you are able to get the information they promised you in the speech.

A hilarious example is here.

This page will be updated as more words get into the dictionary.Similar Posts:

Give me $25,000 and I’ll Tell You How to Overcome All Your Problems

Carlon — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 03:03:15 +0000

Finally, you can learn the secret to overcoming ALL THE PROBLMS in your life.

That’s right. You heard me correctly. All the problems in your life will go away when you learn this powerful secret—a secret so powerful it has been hidden in a cave in the Himalayas for the last 3,000 years.

Accidently Discovered by a Sherpa in a Snowstorm

A Sherpa accidently discovered this secret while lost in a snow storm. Nearly at death’s door, he sought refuge in a cave and discovered a scroll that contained the Secret to Everything ™.

During my 6 climbs of Everest, this Sherpa and I became friends and when he showed me the scroll upon which the secret was kept, I wept..for it was so simple and so powerful.

Upon learning the Secret to Everything ™ I knew that I was honor-bound to spread the word and teach others this secret.

And that’s why I’m here.

Now you too will make all your problems go away with the Secret to Everything ™.

The Secret to Everything ™ is so incredibly simple. There are only 5 steps to it:

Indentify your problems
Write out each problem one by one
Say each problem as you write them down
Put the list on the wall

Now is the last and most crucial part of the Secret to Everything ™. Without this last step, the rest of the Secret to Everything ™ is useless. I cannot stress enough how important the 5^th step is in overcoming every problem you have in life.

No more fear
Unlimited power
Success
Wealth

It’s all yours with the last step!

And I really want to tell you the last step, but I just don’t have enough room in this blog post. I mean I could give you a watered-down version of the absolutely necessary 5^th step in the Secret to Everything ™.

But that would not do justice to the Secret to Everything ™. In fact, just telling you summary of the last step could cause you irreparable harm.

That’s right! If you do the last step wrong IN ANY WAY, it could cause you serious health problems. And I don’t want to held responsible for that. I couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing that I harmed you instead of helped you.

Because all I want to do is help you. Worldly things don’t interest me. Cars. Houses. Fat bank account. All meaningless.

I do what I do out of purity of heart. So, as you can see, it is completely out of character for me to want to harm you.

That’s why I cannot, in good conscious, tell you this last step in such a limited forum as a blog.

So, I have decided to hold a seminar called “The Secret to Everything ™: How to overcome All Your Problems in 5 Seconds”.

At this seminar, you will learn the critical 5^th step. And you will learn it in a safe environment with all the love and support of fellow travelers who are there to overcome their problems as well.

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I imagine the scene: your problems are melting away, as you discover how to live without fear…as the pain dissolves from inside you, it is replaced by the pure light of love.

Oh how wonderful it will be.

I can’t wait.

All I ask you to bring to this seminar is your desire to end all your problems and a small donation of $25,000.

Oh, I don’t need the money..but I see it more as your commitment to overcoming your problems (a key component to the crucial 5^th step).

If you don’t want to overcome your fears, then please don’t come to the seminar…but if you are serious about being happy and content, then bring yourself (and a check for $25,000) to the seminar.

Please hurry. I may not do another one of these.

In fact, I might change my mind right now. I could go both ways.

The choice is yours.

** A special thanks goes out to DSP reader Piet who reminded me of this “I won’t tell you the last step unless you come to a seminar” tactic by Tony Robbins. Though, it must be noted that Tony is not the only one to pull this crap. I just hope that all DSP readers will recognize this BS when some guru pulls it on you.Similar Posts:

Law of Attraction Coach Banned from Playing the Lotto

Carlon — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 03:02:10 +0000

Banned from the Lottery

Lottery officials announced today that former Law of Attraction coach Sham Scammerschmidt has been banned from playing the Lottery.

Scammerschmidt recently defied the odds yet again by winning his 10^th lottery in a row, racking up $575 million in cash.

But now Lottery officials are striking back.

“His streak threatens the very integrity of the Lottery and we will do everything to protect it,” Lottery officals announced.

” Though we have no evidence that Mr. Scammerschmidt had engaged in anything illegal, we feel other people deserve a chance to win and that using the Law of Attraction has given Mr. Scammerschmidt an unfair advantage over other lottery players.”

This is just the latest bad news for Scammerschmidt who made headlines earlier after being banned from every major casino in the U.S. after a streak of 100 wins at the roulette table at the MGM Grand Casino in Vegas.

Pit boss, Mike Mikos explained that using the Law of Attraction to win is now considered illegal and won’t be tolerated at any Vegas casino.

“We think using the Law of Attraction to win is just like counting cards. We have the right to protect our business. “

Scammerschmidt was best known as a Law of Attraction coach who helped clients use the Law of Attraction to get what they wanted in life. But Scammerschmidt says he gave up that job once he figured out how it really works.

“Like hell I’m going to teach people how to use the Law of Attraction to make money. Why would I do that ? If you knew how to get millions of dollar with the power of your thoughts, would you tell others how to do it? That’s madness! Ridiculous!”

Despite this setback, Scammerschmidt is remaining positive. He recently announced his engagement to Angelina Jolie who, for unknown reasons, recently separated from Brad Pitt and stated her desire to marry Scammerschmidt.

When asked about it, Scammerschmidt only replied, “Law of Attraction, baby. Law of Attraction!”Similar Posts:

What is Your El Guapo?

Carlon — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 02:12:36 +0000

What is your El Guapo?

What is the one thing you need to face?

Overweight?

Lack of education?

Shyness?

Or could your El Guapo be a big dangerous guy who wants to kill you?

Your DSP lesson for the day: watch out for those self-help schemers who use inspirational stories and metaphors that compare REAL problems to small nuisances.

Sooner or later, they’ll have you believing that everything you do is wrong, and you’ll end up paying some self-help schemer to help you solve a problem that’s not really a problem…when you need to be watching out for the dangerous guy who’s trying to kill you (it’s a metaphor).

Enjoy the video where the great Steve Martin inspires the villagers to face their own El Guapo below:

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