If Apple Got into the Self-help Game

September 27th, 2010
Ponder if you will..Apple expands its focus from technology to self-help.  How would that change the world as you know it?
Well…
First of all, Steve Jobs would announce that self-help will now be referred to as iHelp and Apple’s new technology will make you into a better you–and you’d better believe that they’ve patented it!

Watch as Steve Jobs rolls out the new programs under iHelp.

iReply

Tired of spending all that time answering e-mails? Never fear.  The iReply is here.  The iReply scans your e-mail and sends out pithy and precise answers ala the iGuru himself–Steve Jobs.  Here’s an example: Look at this e-mail thread between Carol and Vivian.

Carol,

We are having a party Saturday night.  Would you like to come over with your husband?

Vivian

Vivian,

This Saturday we have big plans with the kids.  Usually we’d love to go to one of your parties, but this Saturday is out of the question.  We really hate to miss out.  I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun.  But let’s get together for lunch real soon.  OK?

Carol

Wow.  Carol really spent a lot of time with that reply.  iStopSittingOnYourAss clocked that reply at about 10 minutes!  But look at how the response changes when you use iReply.

Sorry, can’t.

The iReply is an APP that’ll zap your excuse-making and just get to the damn point. And you’ll never waste time with long e-mail replies again.

iAffirm

Finally…a program that will turbo charge your self-esteem.  After every action you take on an Apple product, you’ll get immediate feedback telling you what a wonderful human being you are.  Just look at some of the affirmations you’ll receive:

After deleting a program, iAffirm says:

You are a powerful human being who is setting boundaries.  You refuse to let the negative programs waste your time.  You have taken a big step in manifesting your time and ridding yourself of negative influences.

Or how about after taking a picture of yourself in Photo Booth:

You are as wonderful on the outside as you are on the inside.  Everyone likes you because you are charming, intelligent, and an outstanding human being. Please do not re-touch that photo in iPhoto.  You are wonderful just the way you are.

iAffirm will fill you with so many positive affirmations that you’ll go from being a shy socially-inept stumbler bumbler into the life of the party..heck, you’ll BE the party!

iGuru

Watch over 1,000 hours of videos of the iGuru himself–Steve Jobs.

Listen to the soothing sounds of Jobs’ visionary messages as they fill you with hope and self-appreciation…as long as you keep buying Apple products, that is.
For a small fee, you’ll get weekly presentations on self-help topics like:
  • How to Hold Your iPhone
  • How to Buy a Mac Online (a step by step guide to buying the coolest shit on the planet and how that makes YOU the coolest person in the world)
  • Why Only Losers Buy Dells
  • Building Self-Esteem Through Apple Products
  • How an iPad will Make You Rich! (You’ve gotta buy an iPad to find out!)
And that’s only a “taste of what you’ll be getting with iHelp.
Now that Apple’s in the self-help (iHelp) game, there’s nothing you can’t do.
Remember Apple’s new motto:
With Apple, all things are possible.
(and without us, you suck)
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