My 5 Days as a Vegan

October 20th, 2010
In my quest to become the coolest person in the world, I decided to become a vegan for 5 days. It seems that all the cool people are vegans and own Macs…at least that’s what Wikipedia says.Actually, I was really more of a vegetarian because I had no intention to stop eating eggs. But I use the word vegan for two good reasons:

#1 “Vegan” sounds cooler than “vegetarian”
#2 Most people have no idea what’s the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian

Anyway, it was an interesting 5 days

Day #1

My veganism gets off to a strong start.

Breakfast: Bagel and grapes (I always eat a vegan breakfast.  Screw milk.  I hate milk.  No cream cheese either…but plain bagel and grapes)

Lunch: Today I told everyone at DSP headquarters that I’m a vegan now. I feel really really cool telling people I’m a vegan.

I stopped some guy on the street to tell him I’m a vegan.  I love telling people I’m a vegan.

The (former) DSP intern criticized my leather jacket.  Had to research how clothes fit into the vegan lifestyle.

Day #2

Found out that the vegan lifestyle guide (Wikipedia) says something about not wearing stuff that has something to do with animals.  But I really didn’t know what that meant.    But to be safe, I decided to wear hemp clothing because it fit better with my new vegan image.  Hemp is pretty cool, I think.

Also, I threw out my polo shirts because they had horses on them.  Never can be too safe.

Day #3

The guys on the 4th floor heard I’m a vegan now.  They keep ordering pizza to my office.  I have locked my office now, so as not to allow even the scent of pizza in my office.

The guys on the 4th floor are always trying to tear me down.

They’re just jealous because I have an iPad.

One of those guys had one before me, but I “accidentally” dropped it the other day.

That was before I was a vegan and started wearing hemp clothing.  But he’s still a little upset about it, He thinks I haven’t changed.  You’d think that he’d be moved by my veganism, but he’s not.  Strange guy.

Day #4

The DSP staff went out to lunch today to a meat buffet.  They think I would’ve paid for it.  But I told them that as a vegan I am horrified that they would support the merciless slaughter of innocent animals.

Being a vegan has made me surprisingly morally superior to others.

I find it’s easier to look down on people just for what they eat.  When I see them eating meat or anything that comes from an animal (except eggs), I think about what savages they are and how enlightened I am.

If I had known how great that feeling was, I would have become a vegan years ago.

Just now, I gave a dirty look to some guy eating a hamburger.

Man, that feels good!

Day #5

I think I’ve reached some spiritual enlightenment of something.  I feel so at one with all the animals of the world (except for the ones that eat other animals…I think they need to re-think their ways).

I’m a living Eckhardt Tolle novel.

It’s so awesome.  But now I feel icky having to mingle with the meaties and their savagery.

The End of Being a Vegan?

This is so awesome that I think I’m going to stay a vegan from now on.I won’t eat anything from an animal except the occasional egg, piece of fish, steak, pork chop, or seafood.  But other than that I’m vegan for life!


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