I caught a clip from the Colbert Report the other day. He mentioned an ad that comes out on the Glenn Beck show—the Survival Seed Bank! It’s basically some guy selling seeds to people who think there’s going to be a huge economic collapse. He says seeds will be valuable. And to top it off he sells them for $150!
Let’s see…I can go buy those seeds at Home Depot for about $.50. But if I get people all scared, I can sell it for $150.
Seeds? For $150? Holy crap!! This is the opportunity of a lifetime!! If some people in Glenn Beck’s audience will buy seeds for $150, then what stuff around my house can I sell and make a TON of MONEY!!!
All I have to do is get people all scared, and WHAM. My household items are transformed into gold! And I can get people real real scared. Heck, I’ll get ‘em Poltergeist scared. I’ll get ‘em Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared! End-of-the-World-here-I -come-scared!
So, I pulled a few things from my household item collection and present to you 3 surefire, can’t miss, gonna make you a FORTUNE products. Just you wait. I’ll get these bad boys on Beck and I’ll watch the money literally transport into my bank account.
The Liberty Log (piece of wood)
In the coming (end) days, the radical Climatologists, after seizing power and instituting a Climatocracy, will make cutting down ANY tree a crime. You will be forced to live without any wood. They will strike the final blow in the War on Christmas by not allowing any more Christmas trees to be cut down. Your family will freeze to death as you cannot use wood to keep warm by your traditional fireplace.
But you will not need to fear. You have the “Liberty Log.” In the Climatocracy to come, a liberty log will be worth more than oil! It’s supply and demand. So, you’d better get one right now. Only $179. Hurry. Once the Climatocracy is enacted, you will be sentenced to death for buying one.
Tyranny-resistance tuna (a can of tuna)
Now that Greenpeace-tanistas are running the government, they will stop at nothing to prevent mankind from eating anything in the sea. They don’t care if sea monsters threaten us. They say, “let these large behemoths destroy our cities. Let the Kraken rise from the waters, creating tsunamis and wipe out millions. We care more about fish than we do people.”
That’s what will happen when we are not allowed to eat tuna from the oceans. But it’s only a matter of time till Operation Kraken begins. How will they do it?
Step 1: Stop all fishing. This mean no tuna.
Step 2: Allow the Kraken to rise out of the water.
Step 3: The Kraken destroys America.
But you can stop this RIGHT NOW. When you buy my tyranny-resistance tuna, you will have gold in your hands. Think how much it will cost when the hell-tuna roam free in the sea. How people will crave tuna. That’s your money-making opportunity! Just move away from coastal areas first (but do so secretly or risk having too many people getting in on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity)
Buy this tyranny–resistance tuna TODAY! One can of resistance is only $79.99.
Freedom Franks (a pack of hot dogs)
Nothing says freedom like the traditionally American Frank. But the dark (end) times are a’comin’. The radical progressive/Socialist/communist/Marxist/Fascist Vegan cult has infiltrated the American government. It’s the end of beef as we know it. That’s right! It will be ILLEGAL to buy meat. You’ll be forced to eat tofu and other foreign-sounding foods.
But TODAY, you can strike a blow for freedom. These Freedom Franks will be your ticket to resistance. Take a stand for America! Once the Vegan cultists have enacted their PETA law (probably buried somewhere in a budget bill), a hot dog will be more valuable than silver because all real red-meat lovin’ Americans will pay dearly to eat one.
So, don’t delay. A pack of Freedom Franks is only $99. But once the PETA bill becomes law, they’ll go up to $9,999 per frank. Get in on this now. Before it’s too late. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
* All products here are registered with fake trademarks so don’t even think about stealing my ideas. But you can invest in this scheme opportunity. Just donate to the blog RIGHT NOW. With your donation, you’ll get absolutely nothing. But I may let you get a sneak peek at my soon-to-be bestseller once it gets mentioned on the Glenn Beck Show called:
How to Pretend to be Poor: Practical Advice on Surviving the Coming Marxist/Socialist/Anarchist/Fascist/Progressive/Maoist/Stalinist Revolution Against Sacred American Values and the Economy The Lord Himself Bestowed Upon Us!